So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
