True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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