I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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