My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
