Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
