you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
