she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hippo gnu deer
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
