I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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