I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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