Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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