please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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