from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
