Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
