WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
