That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
