Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
