I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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