U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
