OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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