I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
