Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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