I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
