I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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