Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
