Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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