Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
