4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize