im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
