He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
