I can text with my tongue
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
