I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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