happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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