im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
