In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
