My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
