half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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