Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
