You're so nebulous sometimes
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
