Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
