I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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