just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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