Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sext me about skeletons
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
