Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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