you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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