I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You are a genius and a whore.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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