she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
