Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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