Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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