I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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