Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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