I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
