The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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