Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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