Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
