If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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