Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
