I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I look better un-naked...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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