What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
