she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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