dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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